Telling me how logical he is. Like theyd be SO PERFECT IF THEY DID A B AND C. Unfortunately, the reality is that they are not there. He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. Feelings of shame and guilt. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). Best of luck and all my thoughts. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. Be honest about how you feel. I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. When this happens with one of my friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her. And who makes that clear to you. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. We need a comfortable place to regroup after a challenge, to process the growth, to relax. When Dad was having a pity party, I flat out told him that he had driven her away with his constant controlling and put downs. However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. So far so good. At all. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. Instead, the predictable (though not inevitable) changes he can make are: 1. On time! Id make it simpler still: Bravo! If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. Then he was a royal PITA trying to get me back, because I turned out to be harder to upgrade than he expected again, hindsight! There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Seriously. It took me over 12 years to learn that. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Now is *not* the time for someone to run a ledger of all your supposed daily transgressions and fuck the idea of the ledger in the first place. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. Have you read about the accountant who had a brain tumor? We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. . He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. When I was unhappy with the way her behaviour impacted me, our living space, or our relationship I saw the fact she wouldnt do the easy, obvious things I told her she ought to as indications that she wasnt actually committed to her claims or our life together. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? He had money and I didnt. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. So now I absolutely have all these weird shame issues around food, which is probably why I could barely eat around my various romantic partners for yearsits just a crappy thing to do to anyone. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. And if you have depression??? Seriously. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough []. There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. * If you dont see him getting anywere on that front, please dont think you have to keep pushing to make it work even at this point, nobody could fault you for leaving if thats the route you end up taking. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Drownings letter feels very familiar. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. Very well said. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. He wasnt quite as patronizing, but he did have a tendency to give me the same advice over and over. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. And its also vanishingly unlikely that he can be moved out of the fixer mode. He got that. He might also benefit from seeing a therapist or counsellor himself to get some help supporting you. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! Thank-you for this comment. I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. Yes. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. Slowly cut these people out of your life. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. Most guys will be nice to their friends girl, but usually not overly so. YES! 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. What he could and did do that helped me was: 1) shop for food and cook the healthy meals for us himself, and not guilt me when I planned to cook and then. I dont know. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will. managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. LW, I struggle with the things you struggle with. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. Trouble sleeping. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Beloved Human gets it now, and if I send a text saying, X happened, and Im flailing. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. How much cleaning does HE do? I hate to jump on the You Should Probably Dump This Guy dogpile, but something you wrote in your first paragraph really sticks out to me, LW. Or because his life would be easier if you were happy? Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. My biggest mistakes have been to really harp on what I think he needs to do get out and be social, mainly, which doesnt help his depression and leads to resentment as well. Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Even though I cant even do hosting as much as Id like and my home is a bit of a mess. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. I can't believe it. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. Really, Im sure it is for someone. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. Remind you when I see its not done? You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. 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