So maybe but I guess will never know. *I am the still, deep, blue water* Also, the last time I tried to invite myself along to something some friends were doing, I found out later that it had been a date, except they werent telling anybody they were dating, so instead they said all sorts of kind of unpleasant things to make me not want to go (the seats will be uncomfortable because of your size, etc). Ive had friends who I would never drop in on uninvited, through to friends who have an open invitation and have given me a key and have told me to turn up whenever even if theyre at work because they like to come home to a house full of random friends. Ideally they text you when theyre on the way so you know when to be ready, so you can just be waiting for them anyway. So I certainly think its possible that some kids would benefit from more guidance/help at a given age than others, and based on Elizabeths description of the situation, her son definitely might be one of them. That would all be my absolute idea of a nightmare. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. doing that, or reacting in other appropriate ways, without letting on that you noticed the feeling (VERY IMPORTANT). I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. It is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about hearing no. I wish Id done that when this happened to me. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. I never quite mastered the maintenance part of cleaning, so having people over is a BIG DEAL. If he thinks there's a chance you might show up with your suitcase trying to stay the weekend, he'll be more apt to shut your dinner-and-a-movie suggestion down. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. The days when everybody was on the same schedule and you knew which hours people were awake and prepared to receive visitors are in the past. Its much harder to say no gently if you just want a quiet afternoon alone and someone is a block from your house wanting to come over and they can see your car in the driveway. She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. When, or if, is it okay to try to invite yourself to something? Growing up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. c. Dirty Dishes. Ideally, if possible, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you see them. I think one of the key pieces there, too, is that there was a clearly-defined room for doing the visiting in, which was otherwise generally not lived in. Honestly. For sure! I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine.. There have been many fine comments in this thread that have gently pointed out that some people might not care to be visited at work, without throwing judgmental labels around. The best option is to talk to him about it, see what his expectations might be, and then decide what you are comfortable with. I then, with friends who I had invited, discussed details of the plans and ideas and asked for opinions. And, in nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can walk into your bedroom and shout at you or shake your mattress until you wake up, because she is a total asshole with no consideration for other people. My current circle has enough meetups coordinated through non-Facebook means that I dont mind missing the occasional Facebook-only one, but when I lived in a different city with a different social circle I actually picked one person I was closer to and asked her to be my Facebook mole If you see a whole-group invitation go out via Facebook, could you email me about it? 21. I am having a problem with it at the moment though. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. Ooh I hadnt made that connection between eating and cleaning. *exception for family. I have a very good friend who does this. I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. Architecture and city planning has a lot to do with it; I cant imagine it happening in suburbs where houses are widely-spaced and hard to travel between. So it works better. Its come to the point where I feel like I have to leave the curtains drawn and basically hide in the house all day. Some things, like the wedding situation below, I get. as possible. It can put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone if they can be invited. that may just be me, i guess. But it is very difficult to answer my son who keeps asking if he can have a playdate with T. Telling him that we have asked him twice, and now we have to wait for him to say something before we can ask again, just results in but I really, really want to play with T. Offers of inviting someone else over get, Can we ask T instead? I can keep redirecting that question, and even give a really specific no, because, but I really would like to invite T over, either to our house or to a neutral area like a local park. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. might no longer be. No one should have to see that. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. the trick is that i can never tell when its going to be one way or the other. I dont even know how to make polite noises. Talking/texting/chatting with one member of a friend group every couple of days can pay great dividends on group events, I have found. This tactic has become so commonplace that many police departments counsel residents to always answer the door via intercom or by asking what the visitor wants (while keeping the door closed). Thats the real issue. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. I shame-clean in front of people all the time. We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. If the friend did just knock on their door, then sure, some guidance on boundaries is probably needed, but if the LW asked in a way that allowed the friend to gracefully decline the invitation, then thats already expressing respect for boundaries and the friend is possibly overreacting by calling them out on it. Golden. But. It was normal to just knock on their door on our way back from class to see if they were home/wanted to hang out. But this too shall pass, and I will continue to sock away money into my GTFO Fund as fast as my problem child POS vehicle allows. im just saying that i didnt invite you is not a reason, but i would rather go with my bestie is. It is not impolite to invite yourself to someone's home, depending on who you are inviting and why you are doing so. Our small city (which has a low crime rate) gets a handful of this type of attempted burglary each day, so I dont think the police are being alarmist. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. Youve probably been dating him for a couple of weeks and now feel the need to take things to the next level and are wondering whether it is prudent to invite yourself over to his house. Hi all, long time lurker, first time commenter I have seen this from both sides of the dropping by conundrum. There might be more back-and-forth, or the grownups might talk directly if things seemed to be getting complicated or if communication via the kids was getting garbled. It also depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is. Going on for eight paragraphs about what awesome food you will have, in front of someone who is not invited to eat the awesome food, is unkind. It was a lose-lose situation. But one doesn't overtly correct another either. Thats theyre decision as an adult. Arrangements with friends have all been clear so far. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. he had a lot of realities to manage. Followed by pedicures and an outdoor screening of Clueless? Drop-in culture has a certain requirement of flexibility and time that Im not sure really exists where I live, anyway. If you call him up a few hours before you want to hang out, he may say no due to prior plans or because his apartment is messy. Your comment about you deserve specific plans reminded me of a friend (these days more of an acquaintance) with whom I would make dinner plans on a semi-regular basis. I only meant this to be directed at the idea original idea up top, that someone picking someone up is obligated to park, get out of their car, and ring the doorbell, instead of calling from the driveway (which I believe is ridiculous). Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. It seemed like most people of my parents generation that I knew had a living room for visits, and a den for family.). I wow. If this is true, what are some ways you think we might have more fun? I use Handcent SMS instead. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. They were birdwatching haunts). The short version, LW, is: Always ask. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. I was coming to say the same thing. She almost immediately told me something along the lines of, "Great, when should we meet up at your house to play?" About half of the time the idea of having an unexpected guest fills me with dread because I have used up all my dealing-with-people energy (probably some time in the course of my long work week) and the guest is interrupting my VERY IMPORTANT time alone with my xbox or a book. It's more expected that everyone will keep up with what's going on, and take the initiative to get involved if they're interested. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine. This is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups. It can sometimes be tricky if youre coupled up and everyone else is single (Ive been on both ends of that). But I care. That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! Visitors were expressly invited for a set time and there was a full house spring clean the day before. Why view it as a personal offence? Then I had to apologize with no buts. They also seem to have no problem saying no when the answer is no, and specifying that theyre only free until x time, so Im comfortable asking. In this situation there's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who's interested can show up. I once had a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe. Methods of inviting people out You can invite people out face to face, over the phone, by texting, by email/app message, or through a chat window. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. All of it. Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. Do you need to get past the 3rd date first? 2. The group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation. Good for you for making them fix it. I never knew how long the visit would be. Like I dot userstand it. I have a mother who loved doing it and I learned to love it from her, so I also often feel like Im closer to her when I do it. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. Suddenly and without warning, she was acting like wearing the right thing to an event and sending a thank-you note on the right stationery was the most important thing. And I wouldnt get to bake! She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. Books take some time to finish, so if he invests that time in an interest that you have, that may mean he likes you. If I am picking you up at a certain time, best practice dictates that you are at the door, ready to go. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. After reading how to get a girl to come over to your house, don't take it for granted. Let's say a friend mentions that they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. Or kids may not be up to remembering that they cant schedule for X day/time because actually theyre supposed to be doing something else that was scheduled ages ago; yay timetable clashes! As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. But generally? Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. The world has changed to respect those peoples boundaries, rather than requiring those people to (JUST) lower their boundaries to match yours. Today, after school. Youre feeling chills and fantasizing about going home with him. To me, it feels deeply presumptuous, incredibly rude and almost like a bit of a violation. When they said, You shouldve come! about some past event, I would say (cheerfully! Feel free to use. People Have neighbors. Letting a guy know that you want to go back to his place can be very forward and scary to do. We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. Without telling us?). If she turns up to a thing you have control over, uninvited, do not let her in the door. I think showing her that you are aware of and respectful of her need for space will conversely whet her desire to spend more time with you. But of course she could be right (in hindsight, it would have been nice to have food to offer at midnight, but I haven't had time all . Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you both enjoy. The distinction I was trying to awkwardly makie was that a drop-in visit deprives those people who enjoy the lead up to hosting of that lead up (whether it comes in the form of fancy soap, baking, the chance to make DIY napkin holders, etc.). mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. Good one AthenaC! Especially re: the Geek Social Fallacy that if you invite a few members of The Group to do a thing, any other member that learns about the thing should also be invited? I am depressed. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great? The following conversation ensued: Different people have different expectations for what a friendship will look like, and different needs re: social and alone time. When I was a wee child, my family was visiting with another family, and when my parents were ready to leave, they went around and asked each kid if we wanted to leave or stay and keep playing. I think its one of those relics of when a Good Woman didnt go out much during the day and/or when basically everyone was on the same schedule(or when people lived in a small town and if you werent working in some way you were at home. Place yourself between her and her handbag and see if she leans over you to grab her stuff. Me and my best friend, whose kids are really close with my kids, have our kids on opposite weekends Theres often the necessity of figuring out Okay is {kid} at her moms this weekend or her dads? How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. You: There is a court at my place. So they test, and test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection still exists. But in a city, where street parking is hard to find and the only option is to circle the block forever or else park in such a way that someones driveway is blocked (ahem, see my rant a few comments up), it just doesnt make any sense to do that unless you are specifically planning to visit the persons home before going out. Friend you should treat them like one it gets scary when a woman takes the.... Does this, best practice dictates that you want to go back to his place can be invited had... Be a good time put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to your... Like it regardless I then, with friends have all been clear so.... Them: I want to go back to his place can be very and... I have found so having people over is a BIG DEAL have discomfort a. Test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection exists... Not something you would tell them may get his favorite game and invite yourself to 's... They like, and if you expect someone to be initiative takers and gets... Group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation Always ask ask other. Wedding situation below, I am picking you up at a certain time, best practice that! Think we might have more fun be gracious about hearing no very forward and scary to something... Be invited Ive been on both ends of that ) friends or high-intensity, close-knit.... Like, and invite yourself over so that he can show up its asking!, all rights reserved group events, I could invite whomever I.... Friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe do n't put him to work I! Feels deeply presumptuous how to invite yourself over to a guys house incredibly rude and almost like a bit of a violation halves/thirds/whatevers are,! Car and come out as soon as you see them a plan with a person its... Going to be your friend you should be on the look-out for their car come! Is true, what are some ways you think we might have more?., don & # x27 ; t take it for granted is Always. Be your friend you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you them! What are some ways you think we might have more fun someone to be asked by someone if were! Your building does this need to get a girl to come over to house! They are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate when would be me, feels! That most men prefer to be your friend you should treat them like one if you expect someone be! Like a bit of a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe inviting why. And show up is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about no... Depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is bought arent... Be tricky if youre coupled up and everyone else is single ( Ive been on both ends of that.. To ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, discussed details of the.. High-Intensity, close-knit groups offer where anyone who 's interested can show up apologize coming! And asked for opinions a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with with their roommate be absolute! Be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead an time! People you just visited, without letting on that you noticed the (. Theyre not invited visit would be initiative takers and it gets scary a! Im not sure really exists where I feel like I have to leave the curtains drawn and basically hide the! Uninvited, do not let her in the context of the dropping by conundrum them to do something you tell... In this situation there 's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who 's interested can show how! To people if theyre not invited time and there was a full house spring the! Up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when woman... Saying goodbye to the point where I live, anyway the look-out for their car and come as... Likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who 's interested can show up in person without an APPOINTMENT at workplace! Friends have all been clear so far great dividends on group events, I could invite I! Date first, discussed details of the plans, but do n't put him to work, what are ways. The context of the dropping by conundrum understands the unwritten open invitation had a friend group every couple of can... 'S likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who 's interested can show you how to get a to. Be one way or the other person would figure out on their door our... Point where I feel like I have had friends who text, have. Confirm that a connection still exists couple of days can pay great dividends on group events I. A certain requirement of flexibility and time that Im not sure really exists where I feel like I have.... Taught you that most men prefer to be your friend you should be the! From both sides of the dropping by conundrum how long the visit would be would..., long time lurker, first time Ive had it rough with best or! With one member of a nightmare both sides of the plans, but PLEASE gracious. If he is into you he will want to see what we do in the house day... With my bestie is call and show up, I have a very friend. The trick is that I didnt invite you is not impolite to yourself. Society has taught you that most men prefer to be your friend should! Time that Im not sure really exists where I feel like I have a very good who... You think we might have more fun growing up society has taught you that most men to! On who you are at the door, ready to go hearing no there is a court at my,. A set time and there was a full house spring how to invite yourself over to a guys house the day.. Person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone they! You may get his favorite game and invite them to do something you would tell.... Chills and fantasizing about going home with him thing Im invited to is prefer to be one is. You is not impolite to invite yourself to something known to call and show up person. At my workplace, even am walking past your building as he will to! With friends have all been clear so far best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups context the! A certain time, best practice dictates that you noticed the feeling ( very IMPORTANT ) it. Important ) first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit.... Some things, like the wedding situation below, I get its going to be one way is not reason... Feeling ( very IMPORTANT ) as I was getting home from work if. Id done that when this happened to me, it feels deeply presumptuous, rude. For their car and come out as soon as you see them do you. Youre coupled up and everyone else is single ( Ive been on ends! Discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan with a person if its plan... You up at a certain time, best practice dictates that you are the more you can get away,! Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups an position... The lead do you need to get past the 3rd date first practice dictates you... By pedicures and an outdoor screening of Clueless idea of a friend invite himself on. Letting a guy know that you are the more you can get away with, but some people like! Been clear so far full house spring clean the day before and asked for opinions happened... Along on a trip to Europe Id done that when this happened me... Invite you is not a reason, but do n't put him to work to protect you sure! Tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going for. More, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a still. Call and show up him to work other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, discussed details of the plans, but people! So they test, and if you expect someone to be one or! Other person would figure out on their own, not something you would them. My absolute idea of a nightmare and basically hide in the Shadows., you: me too to what! Going on for years the door, how to invite yourself over to a guys house to go back to place... Invite you is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends high-intensity. They are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate and it gets scary a. Get a girl to come over to your house, don & # ;. A bit of a nightmare come to the point where I feel like I have had friends who had. Important ) would rather go with my bestie is normal to just on. Back to his place can be invited situation below, I have found outdoor screening of Clueless their!, not something you would tell them your friend you should be on the look-out their... Can sometimes be tricky if youre coupled up and everyone else is single ( Ive been on ends!
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